The LMU Falcons are no more.  The new era of the Xiang Dynasty will commence on March 13.  Some new additions, key losses, Marko stories, Blaney retirement and more coming soon.  The Talon will also be changing names soon….

Coach Lee and Jackie Walker look on victoriously much to the credit of Walker's "Ironwoman" performance.

Though the game was over before it began, the Falcons agreed to play Team Big TD’s in a friendly game.  The Big TD’s had to forfeit the game when several players did not show up on time and they did not have enough women to field a team.  Some of the Falcon players decided to cross sides and played for the Big TDs.   Coach Chris Lee had to call upon a skeleton crew and most players had to play the full game on both sides of the ball.  Jackie Walker stepped up to the challenge and showed she could indeed play defense even against her fellow Falcons.  She also continued her role as one of the leaders in receptions as center.  TE/LB Matt Blaney also had a big game picking off Big TD’s twice including a game sealing INT with less than a minute to play and also added to his four game scoring streak with a TD.  The Ace of Spades and B!tches had to keep the Falcons pressing on both sides of the ball and helped to keep the Big TDs scoreless in the second half.  The Falcons saw the return of Adam Leggs Robinson who played on both teams during the game.  Renee Jaqueth became the first Falcon to score against the Falcons while playing for the Big TDs. 

Star Falcons Justin Rice and Mike “Mad Dog” Markovic did not play in the game as they were sent on a scouting/drinking mission in Pittsburgh.  Markovic remains hopeful that the  Falcons can sign Ben Roethlisberger should the NFL QB be banned from the NFL with another sexual assault charge.  Big Ben would qualify to play for the BSSC since he has been out of Division I football for several years.  Coach Lee will have a safety seminar with the Lady Falcons to go over warning signs the “excited” QB may display as a precautionary measure.

The Falcons are at it again this Saturday at 1:00 as they host the Grenade Free Foundation (1-3) at the Nest in Patterson Park.

Angry Falcons fan wants answers to the Falcon players poor showing.

Four Falcons had an abysmal showing at the Red Run Football Throwing contest.  Former Falcon (and week 4 stand in) Adam “Leggs” Robinson, Adam, Ace of Spades and B!#$%es, Matt Blaney, and Chris Lee all competed and all were eliminated in the first round going 0-3.  Many Falcon fans were in the crowd and furious over the poor performances.  Many members of the media are now questioning the team’s abilities and lack of true depth at QB.   Fans were heard booing the Falcon players and many expressed concern over the Falcons starting QB being unable to record 1 point.  “I don’t really have an excuse.  I sucked out there today.  I was way high and embarrassed myself and the team and I apologize to the fans who traveled all the way out to see us.  I guarantee this is not the performance you see from us on Saturday.” TE/LB Matt Blaney said.  Former Falcon Fan Ruben Ruby yelled out expletives and when asked why he was so angry, he just yelled these guys are pu$$*&$… DR!!!

Lauren seen provoking area police.

BSSC commisioner Mike Cray has requested to meet with coach Lee regarding the conduct of one of his players over the past weekend.  The Falcons starting Nosetackle Lauren B. was not charged with any crime but was caught in photos by fans disturbing the peace and highly intoxicated.  Lauren’s drunken escapade occurred on Sunday evening where she and two accomplices took to the roof, refused to come down for the police and fire brigade.  According to witnesses, Lauren was dancing obnoxiously and at time provocatively and there was a fair amount of ‘drunken screaming’.

There is no word yet if the BSSC will initiate any form of suspension.  Coach Lee expressed his concern regarding the incident but could not provide any details as to what may have happened.  “I am very concerned about her drunken behavior.  We are reviewing the information and will impose the appropriate disciplinary measures.” Lee stated.  “We probably going to bench Lauren for 20 mins of the next game she plays in.”.  It is also unknown whether Lauren will play this in this weekend’s game against the Big TDs. 

Ace of Spades, B!*&#es, and Boozehounds?

The Falcons went back to business on Saturday dismantling the Baltimore Boozehounds 42-7.    QB Chris Lee was near perfect as he sliced through the Boozehound defense, throwing touchdowns to Blaney, Renee, Billy, Mad Dog, and Luke whom the Falcons brought up from the practice squad.  The Ace of Spades and b!*$%es made his presence known on both sides of the ball and on both teams.  In an odd chain of events Ace because the first Falcon player to record a reception for the opposing team.  As the Boozehounds were trying to make it past midfield for the first time in the game, a pass was thrown on a gender play which was deflected off two players before Ace snatched it out of the air and ran it in for a touchdown.  However, a flag was thrown and the play was called back and the Boozehounds were awarded 10 yards and a first down.  TE/LB Matt Blaney threw in a challenge flag and asked to reference the rulebook.  The call was overturned resulting in a reception by Ace for the opposing team but short of a first down and a turnover on downs.    The Boozehounds scored late in the game as the Falcons played a light/friendly prevent defense.  Stephanie Acker actually came into the game and lead the Falcons under center to close out the game.  She ended the game with a QB rating of 110 with 4 completions.

The Falcons have yet to be tested this season beating all opponents early and putting the game away before.  Coach Lee credits his teams work ethic, drinking stamina, and ability to sell virtually anything on craigslist and ebay to the dominant performance on the field.  The Falcons next opponent will be Team Big TD’s at 10:00am on Saturday in the Nest at Patterson High. Coach Lee and the Falcons will need to pull out a victory without the aid of Mad Dog, Justin Rice, or Patrick McAuliffe who was placed on the PUP list over the weekend.  All three Falcons will be drunk in Pittsburgh.

Mad Dog back on the field and also looking for drunk women with family mansions.

The Falcons improved to 2-0 with a 40-34 victory over the Black and Boozers on Saturday.  The score was no indication of the dominant performance the Falcons had.  Chris Lee was perfect until late in the game throwing 5 TDs and converting every extra point (perhaps, for the first time in Falcon History).  The Ace of Spades and B!*#$es and Mad Dog returned to the field after a long hold out lasting from the end of the Spring season.  Cardwell pulled in 2 TDs and stole an extra point from TE Matt Blaney who also had a TD.  The Falcons also got a TD from its main receiver Justin Rice who also pulled in an interception.  The Falcon girls were led by Bernadette Duffy who ran long yards in to the end zone on a short pass from Lee.  Mad Dog’s bark was a bit muffled with only 2 points from a conversion but had some key grabs and also pulled additional coverage away from Ace when he was labeled the “fastest guy on the team” by the Black and Boozers.

Happy to have Mad Dog and Ace back, Blaney told reporters he was “happy to have these guys back.  Glad they got paid.  Ace was a beast and the ‘Dog’ was barkin’.  I think we are just hitting our stride now”.  This is a good thing because the Falcons will face their first true test this Saturday and will be missing star WR/S Justin Rice who will be missing the game for undisclosed personal reasons.  The Falcons will square off with perennial playoff contenders , the Baltimore Boozehounds (1-1).  “We expect to face a very good team and well coached team this Saturday. Coach Lee said as he met with the Media on Tuesday morning.  This will be our first test of the season.  We will be prepared and ready for battle on Saturday.”

Mad Dog and The Ace of Spades and B!&#$es return to the field on Saturday

Falcon fans will be happy to hear that Falcon stars Mike “Mad Dog” Markovic and Adam “Ace of Spades and B!^%$es” have ended their long holdouts. Markovic has long been a fan favorite for the Falcons and franchise leader in interceptions and defensive touchdowns. Cardwell was the recipient of the Spring 2010 “Golden Falcon” award as well as one of the teams top offensive and defensive weapons and may lead the franchise in scoring, however no one actually keeps track of this. Both players were represented by former Falcon and nemesis of coach Lee Arash Sadri but have since left the agent opting to sign a one season deal for about twice the beer paid out as in the Spring. Cardwell has also been limited in his workouts with an offseason shoulder injury which he believes will not hinder his performance on the field. Cardwell was not available for comment. Mad Dog spoke briefly with the media after signing his new deal. “It feels good to get the business side of things out of the way and just focus on football and hollerin’ at girls. I’m really looking forward to getting out there and playing, it’s supposed to be a nice day and we should have fun. More importantly I’m looking forward to helping the team win. Giggity!”

“We were prepared to win as a team with or without these guys but I think I speak for all of us in the Locke room when I say it is great to have them back. It is too bad when business, golf, and amusement parks get in the way of football but it is what it is. I’m happy they will be on the field.” TE/LB Matt Blaney said. Coach Lee was ecstatic to have his players back and end negotiating with Sadri. “I am happy to hear Markovic and Cardwell end their holdout. Mano’s island open for business again this Saturday. I would like to let our opponent know. We’re comin, we gonna win this weekend. So they can run and tell that.”

The Falcons have been upgraded to an 8 point favorite in tomorrow’s show down with the Black and Boozers.

Coach Lee taking Hampden Flamingos prize mascot for the victory dinner, Peking Flamingo

The Falcons soared high in front of a sell out crowd at the newly renovated Nest on Field 3 at Patterson High School.  A 30-7 victory over the Hampden Flamingos is how the Falcons followed up last season’s playoff run.

The Flamingos offensive coordinator, Hippie Brown, brought his infamous “Miami Vice Spread Offense” which features a tailback deep in the backfield.  This formation was enhanced by a unique snap count called the “snapback huh-huh-hukkk” which is designed to throw off defenses with a hypnotic flow.  The Falcons were not fooled and shut down the Flamingoes easily. 

Coach/QB Lee threw five touchdowns and led the LMU Falcons to a 30-7 victory over the Hampton Flamingo on Saturday.   WR Justin Rice caught three TDs, TE Matt Blaney and WR Stephanie Acker each caught one TD. “That was a good start for us today.  I’m really proud of the team.  Coach Lee said. 

Coach Lee was very happy with girls’ performance, “the Falcons girls stepped up with each girl pulling in at least one catch.  I’m happy for everybody, all the guys and girls that were out there, they all played hard.” Lee stated.  Renee Jaqueth had her first career interception off a deflected pass.

Flamingo coach expresses disappointment after the game.  “I want very much to tell Coach Lee, “thank you very much for kicking out tails, it was good medicine and we’re going to take it.  We’ll go from there.  Speaking of medicince, its time to burn a few… who’s in?”  Coach Lee declined the invite for the post game bake session.

The Flacons will travel to the Boozers stadium to take on the black and boozers (0-1) next Saturday.